The Eyes of Life

Those eyes are no longer mesmerizing;
The eyes that were once filled the heart.
Those eyes are now empty;
The eyes that were once captured the attention.

That time, those eyes were shining brightly
But now, it only shows wanders,
Who knows what its wanders are.
No one could notice.

Expression convinced the world.
but the eyes couldn't lie.
No covers could hide it
The eyes that just wanders.

Don't Love Me

Don't love me although I am thankful for it;
I don't want to bring you along to my sorrow
I don't want you to pity me
I don't want you to be burden by me

Don't love me;
Because I know how it feels like to lose someone
I know how it feels like to miss someone until your heart hurts
I know how it feels like being tired of crying but you can't stop
I know how it feels like to keep on hoping when you know it won't happen.

Don't love me;
Because I don't want to fall anymore
I don't want to be hurt anymore
I don't want anymore broken promises
I don't want to feel the same thing again

Don't love me, because I think I can't bear anymore pain.
Because I don't want to expect things that would disappoint me. 
Because I know I would always give you the world. 

Sorry for letting you down

Hey Mama,

Seriously I don't know how to put it in words anymore. For the first time in my life, I blog with a clear obvious subjects. Usually, keeping myself busy would made me forget the things that hurt me. But since the day that you were gone until now, I still could feel how it hurts so much to miss you. I try to talked it out with Papa, but you know him, he's too vulnerable for me to say things about you. In the end, I have to act strong in front of him so that he would stop feeling sad. I try to talk to my first sister, but then on a second thought, it'll hurt her again, because she was about to see you, then you passed away before she sees you. The last option was my second sister. We tried to talk things out to each other. We support each other, we strengthen each other, and we also pretend to each other about how strong we are.We knew that, but then she stated that the toughest one must've been me after you were gone.

I didn't understand her words before, but day by days I began to understand. Throughout my whole life, you were my mom and my best friend. Everything that I do or everywhere I go, you would always be there for me. Every time I was happy, you would always support me. Every time someone pushes me, you would always stand up for me. Every time I was sad, you would always know ways to comfort me. I still remember when you said that I always had to accompany you till the day you died. I know, I was the closest to you. But I didn't realize it will be this fast.

Every time I got sad, I would always make myself busy mom. You know that best. But this time Mom, I failed. Unconsciously, I feel sad and that feeling keeps on getting stronger. Yet Mom, I try to hold it in. When those tears were about to burst, I kept it in. I don't want them to see it. It goes on every day.  Everything that I do, seems so empty Mom. You were always my best listener. 

People said I am not alone, I have a lot of people to care for me. I know that mom, however, even if I'm standing in a happy crowd, somehow I can't seem to lighten up, I know how to pretend like one, but I feel as if I'm in the dark corner, crying out for help, but no one could.

I've become someone that is a fake mom, I'm sorry. I kept on giving motivation to others, giving spirits to other, but I can't even do that to myself. I kept saying that I'm tired of crying which I am, but yet I can't stop Mom. I'm also a fake Mom, I said I didn't need any help, but somehow I do. Remember when you said that sometimes I have to let go of my pride a bit, for the sake of myself. I tried to do that, but I can't mom. I don't even know how to ask for help. Not that I don't want to, but what's the use mom? and to whom? 

I've become someone who is envious of others mom. I envy how people could still happily be together with their moms, being angered by their mom, being brought lunch by their mom, most of all seeing their mom's proudest smile. I'm sorry mom. I am truly sorry. I am still trying to adapt Mom. 

Silently I cried. Loudly I cried. Smashing myself I had. Yet, I still feel all alone. Nothing could help me.  What is wrong with me Mom? What do I have to do? I prayed for you. I dreamed about you. But it's still not good enough.

I feel like loneliness is following me Mom. I try to cheer up, but then that feeling comes again. There's no day without those feeling. And the only thing I could do is talking with you on my mind, but then I feel more sad. Tears were about to burst, but I had to hold it in. Everyday.