What Is It?

Is it longing? Or is it regret?

I can't differentiate.

Your face that no longer existed

Yet, I keep seeing them.

Every time I see you,

It hurts inside me.

Is it happiness? Or is it sadness?

I can't differentiate.

You were always there,You'd disappeared 

But you remain here

Is it emptiness? Or is it memories?

Tell me... 

You who'd always guided me,

Taken away, disappeared.. 

I'm lost of directions..

Help me.. 

Hiraeth

It's suffocating,
when the night comes.
The silence of the wind blows
as she remembered those days.

Aah happiness,
an outer image of a person. 
Laughing, rejoicing, caring
as she try to live.

Behind those smiles,
The world will never notice.
Pain, anger, sadness
Builds up inside her shell.

Searching for an escape,
from the pain of emptiness.
Longing until she faints,
and tomorrow is another same.

Another cheerful smile of hers,
The universe will never understand.
See behind the mirror of hers,
a smile full of sadness.

Despicable Me

I think I've changed a lot
I don't know whether I've changed to someone better or not
But I do miss the moment where I could smile freely
Without anything to burden my smile

I became someone who ignores my surrounding
Solitary has been the path I choose to walk
It's the only thing that comforts me
Or that's the thing that I think will comfort me

I chose not to adapt that fast with others
I don't know why
But everywhere I go
I seemed not to fit in

I made myself busy
Escaping flashbacks that will hurt me again
But no matter how busy I am
I kept on remembering those remnants

I've changed a lot
It's even hard for me to focus on my studies
Although I try to keep my promise
Nothing will come interfere my studies

I smile to everyone, I do
But its not the smile I use to give
Maybe no one would realize
Cause I made it so

I'm used to it
Holding back tears onto my eyes
Looking up to the sky
So that it won't fall

What should I do?
I am an expert now
But it hurts really bad right now
I can't stand it

I am such a fool
I look so desperate
I hate this look of mine
I know what I want
But it's impossible to have 

Rindu

Kerinduan selalu mengiringi diriku

Dalam kehampaan, khayalku melanglang buana

Tiada henti kehadirannya selalu menghampiri

Tak disadari, kerinduan ini melelapkan diriku

Ku terbangun, berharap rindu itu menghilang

Aah, ternyata bukan mimpi

Rasa sakit ini masih menyapa hati

Kenangan yang terus hadir dalam angan

Penawar rindu tak kunjung hadir

Dalam diam, teriakan itu terdengar jelas

Apa daya, uluran tangan tak terlihat

Kelemahan yang tak mampu ku tunjukkan.

The Eternal Chocolate Mousse Royal Ice Cream

Everybody loves ice cream.Tasty, cold, and delicious are the reason why people loves ice cream. Ice cream, a snack that will be finished quickly. But nevertheless, there's this one ice cream that made you feel it's taking forever to be finished. It is the chocolate mousse royal ice cream of a popular worldwide brand. One of the most delicious ice cream in the world.

Buying that ice cream was already planned, since before she arrives that place. She was very happy because she had been craving for that ice cream since a week ago and finally she has a reason to go to that shop and buy ice cream. The reason that changes her happy mood into a total disappointment mood.

The moment she arrives at the shop, suddenly there was a change of plan. She had anticipated this kind of situation, she had knew, and she was ready. But yet when it happened, she still felt that stinging pain, punching her heart. That very moment, she couldn't move and try to calm herself down. Extreme disappointment in which she already knew that it was going to happen. But still, she remained calm. She didn't blame anyone but herself. She told herself that it can't be helped.

She decided to buy the ice cream that she had been craving for, since she was already at the shop. She looks to every flavor that was provided by the shop, but yet Chocolate Mousse Royal was the one she could focus on. Not because it was the most eye catching, but because her mind was messed up and all she could think of is just to buy the ice cream.

Why did she buy the ice cream? Was it because she was craving it since a week ago? At first, it was that; before her heart stings her. She just had to buy the ice cream. The ice cream that she thinks will calm her heart through its coldness. The ice cream that used to cool her down whenever she's in pain. But not this time, this time the ice cream trick didn't work.

After she had bought the ice cream, she gulped spoon by spoon in a very slow movement. She was striving really hard so that tears won't fall from her eyes, striving so that she won't blame anyone, striving so that she can take it sincerely. Suddenly she paused after couple of bites, her mind wanders, asking God whether her future would be really happy since she had to suffer this kind of pain again and again. She asked God, what she had done wrong to be given this kind of punishment. She couldn't hold the pain. The ice cream couldn't help her cool down her mind.

She continued biting bit by bit of her ice cream, it still couldn't help her. All she wanted to do was to go home. She couldn't take it anymore. She was hurt real bad. Her pride had gone really far below. However, the ice cream seemed to be there forever. The more she bites, the more she couldn't finish it. It seems as if it was an eternal ice cream. She was struggling alone fighting her emotions. She was keeping herself from falling deeper. But then as soon as someone sees her, she hid everything. She smiled as wide as she can, so that it looks convincing as if nothing happens. No one noticed what had happened to her. She was enduring her pain, enduring her pride being pushed too low, enduring every single thing that kills her. However, she still thinks that it was part of her fault. She can not blame anyone.

Irrational Selfish Quote

"I'd to leave you because I love you". People said that you need to experience things to understand things. Yet, this quote bothers my mind. It may be implemented in special situation such as leaving because of death. But leaving because of other things? Somehow it feels too cliche for me.

It just doesn't feel right, leaving someone because of loving them. Too selfish, ignorant, and indecisive are just the right characters to be inserted although those people are known as the kindest in the world. Love that is being responded to each other, are meant to be together. Why do you need to leave, if the person you love are happy with you, no matter what consequences are there for them? No need to leave them, because they already knew what obstacles might be there for them if they are with you.

Selfish I say, because they never see that the ones that are being left behind are the most hurt-ed side. Why? Not because it's a heartbreaking moment, but it's because they don't know and they don't understand why they must be left behind? What fault had they done? Because it's just too irrational. They are the most hurt-ed side because they have to keep on holding to those feelings that left them clueless. Heartbreaking is a just temporary pain, but longing becomes eternal, though they knew, that their love ones will never come.

So why do people need to leave the ones they love because they love them?
I'm just saying, if you are committed to build a relationship, then you must strive everything even though it gonna costs your partner some hardships. But hardships always will come, no matter who the couples are, because you are trying to build a story of two person in one situation, not just some random individual trying to get along with their surroundings. It's a total different thing. I remember a friend of mine told me, "in a relationship, there are no more, I or You, but there's only we." So in a relationship being ready just comes with the flow. All you need is a commitment to strive it together. Because with commitment, you just have to stand up for yourself and know that you have accepted all the weaknesses of yourself and your partner.

So couples out there, stop thinking you have to leave your partner because you're not good for them. Because if they already accepted you for whatever you are, it means they are very happy being with you. For if you leave them, it's just the same thing you're making them unhappy.

That's just my point of view, to answer people's love problem. After analyzing some of my friend's problem, I decided to make this conclusion of mine. I hope some people will understand what I'm trying to say.

What's the use?

Thank you, those words of yours still lingers on my ear.
It's as if those words are now haunting me.
Reminds me of every pain that had suffered me.

"It's okay not to be okay"

When those words haunts me, I end up being vulnerable again.
It seems like those words are the words I need.
However, those words ripped the heart.

I must be fine.
I must be strong.
I must , I really must.

What's the use of being vulnerable?
When in the end, it's only you that being hurt?
Only yourself that understand your own pain.

What's the use?
In the end, the one who sees you, pities you.
Mocks you for being a fake.