Strong Heart

One day, I realized something, a junior of mine reminded me that I should start selling my heart. Not literally, but it means that I should start finding someone and catch that person. Because if I don't, I would be stuck like this forever. That was what I'd catch from his conversation. 

I started to have a flashback view of my life. His words are true. I began thinking of all those people that were trying to reach my heart, but how mean of me, I acted as if I didn't know how they were towards me, and simply pretended not to understand the situation, in another word, ignoring them. One by one, they stopped their attempt to reach me. 

Why did I do that? Comfort had always been my basic reason, or should I call it as a cliche to defend myself from a counterattack? If that was a cliche, then what was my reason?

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They say within time, people became mature on how to deal things. A beginner who just had its first heart broken situation, wouldn't accept the situation that the relationship is over and the majority of them would blame on each other individuals. But as time flows, with the support of the surroundings, individuals would forget of the problem and start to ignore those feelings and move on. 

So how mature did I become?

It wouldn't be fair, if I judge myself. However, it is in a situation where I could sometimes forget of the problems of the past, but when I remembered it, I realized that it is faith. And also, I am sincere of letting the past pass by. I don't really want to stick to the past, because I think the present and the future are much more rational to live my life. 

Yes, I am like that, however, past, present, and future. Those three things are always correlated. The past of mine, builds my character in the present, and directing my way of the future. 

My present? Ignoring those people who tries to reach me. Why? I couldn't figure it out myself. It's like empty, I couldn't feel anything or more like I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to be another burden of another stranger. I am scared. Scared to fall again. I over protect myself. Scared that I couldn't  lift myself up when I fall again. Scared of the pain that has been chasing me since the past. I'm trapped. Even in the moment I write this, I could still feel the pain. However, it's not the pain of the past only but also the pain of the present. 

A need of someone that I could lean to. Someone that I could share my problems with. Someone that I could hold on and trust. But I think there won't be anyone like that. Everyday, I cried out all the burdens inside me. It's like, it's never ending. And no one would understand. I know I'm not a beautiful person or even a nice person to talk with sometimes I think that people thinks of me just another nerd passing by although I'm not. I'm aware of myself. You can think of me as a conservative girl. I'm already used to that. 

So this will build my future,  being aware of how myself are, will make me to keep distance with everyone. I know how boring I am, I am aware of that. I know, I can't make another person happy so why should I be so egoistic of wanting someone to share my burden. Here I am, living a life that looks happy but actually breaking inside. However, I am very grateful to God that still gave me the chance to live every day. I am sincere living this kind of life. With the burdens carried in me, I will try to be happy as I can be. It will be alright. I know it will. I will have to endure it. I will have to force myself to be strongest person ever. I must not only I will. I can do it on my own. For it has to go numb, then it shall be.

Attract

Ya Allah, Ya Muqolibal Qulub

I know that this is not the right place to talk about this. But I want to write it here, so that other people will also learn of how to deal this kind of problem. This is not my story, but yet this is the story where some people had faced it. In this story, I will use the pronoun "I", so that it will be easier to understand.

There's this one person, he doesn't belong to anyone else yet, and so do I. I don't know anything about this person yet. I haven't even talk that much with him. Something from him, attracts me toward him. I haven't notice it before, but suddenly that day. That day, I saw something that shines from him. But I really don't know what it is. Suddenly from that day, everything from him becomes beautiful. His smile, his silence, his attitude, his tone, and many more. 

However, I am sure. This is where I am wrong. Reminding from my past, this had happened before. Something from the person of the past, attracts me towards that person. But in the end, the story between that person and I ended in a way where my self-consciousness couldn't accept it. From that day on, I have been self solitary. 

But today is the present, yet it's a different character. He is not the same person of the past. He is a different person. However, I am still in that position where I am afraid to approach or even being approach by him.

So I try not to be too close to him. And let him think that I am just another stranger passing by. And also, I would also think of him as a stranger passing by. I just don't want that past story happens again. This kind of situation is better before it gets further. I don't really know him, and so does he. 

But something from him really attracts me. The more I see him, the more I hurt myself for no reason. But yet, I wouldn't let that kind of feeling forget my principle. He doesn't know me, and of course I don't either, we haven't even know each other for less than a year now. 

So let that stranger be stranger. If that feeling comes again, all I could do is pray. Ya Muqolibal Qulub. Please reverse this feeling, for if he is the best for me let him be close to me, but if he is not, let him be far away from me. For I don't want to feel another disappointment. 

 

Thought I'd Forgotten You

I thought I'd forgotten you,

I guess I was wrong.

I thought I'd forgotten you,

you suddenly appeared on my mind.

I thought I'd forgotten you,

you came into my presence. 

I thought you'd forgot me,

guess I was wrong.

I thought you'd stop thinking of me,

guess I was wrong.

I thought you'd stop bothering me,

guess I was wrong.

All you did was,

giving me harder times.

All you did was,

not letting me to forget you.

All you did was,

gaining my longing for you.

All you did was,

leaving me with my longing for you.

I'd thought that,

you are the meanest.

I'd thought that,

you are the cruelest.

You want me to want you.

But you don't want me to be with you. 

You came back, when I'd forgotten you.

Gave me another hopes, when I'd tried so hard not to.

Gave me more pains, than what I'd to deserve. 

And just a glimpse of an eye, you did all that.

A smile of your pride, to the mourn of my heart. 

Lelucon Prediksi Masa Depan?

Mengingat masa lalu, teringat ucapan seseorang dalam suatu acara penting dalam kehidupan, ya, itu adalah acara hari ulang tahun. Namun, ucapan inilah yang akan membuat diri seseorang kesal dan bahkan dapat menganggap hanya sebuah lelucon sesaat. Apa yang diucapkannya? Sebuah prediksi masa depan yang membahas tentang tahun kematian seseorang. Hal tersebut tidaklah wajar disebut olehnya, mengingat dia merupakan mahasiswa yang mendalami ilmu Agama Islam. Tentunya orang awam pun tahu, bahwa memprediksikan masa depan adalah mustahil bagi manusia karena Allah lah yang mengatur segalanya. 

Tak ada orang yang memercayainya, bahkan hal tersebut hanya dianggap sebagai lelucon yang melewati batasnya.  Begitupun saya, sampai kapanpun tidak akan memercayainya. Karena saya tahu, hidup dan mati seseorang hanya Allah SWT yang tahu. Apalagi orang yang diprediksikan tersebut merupakan orang yang saya amat cintai di dunia ini. Sampai-sampai saya tak tahu cara untuk membalas kebaikan, kesabaran, keikhlasan, orang tersebut sampai dengan detik ini.

Sudah tiga tahun, sejak tahun 2010 lelucon tersebut telah dilupakan. Namun, pada tahun ini lelucon tersebut teringat kembali oleh dia, orang yang saya amat cintai. Pada tahun ini, memang kondisi kesehatannya tidaklah sebaik dulu. Berbagai tindakan medis telah dilakukan hingga penyakit yang dideritanya mulai menipis sampai pada batas maksimalnya. Namun, walaupun begitu, dia pun tetap berusaha berjuang melawan rasa sakitnya itu. Dan saya? Tak hanya bisa lakukan apa-apa. Kesabaran saya benar-benar di uji. Terkadang, rasa sabar saya tersebut menghilang dan hasilnya hanya menyakiti diri sendiri dan bahkan dia. Tapi, saya pun tersadarkan kembali. Memperjuangkan kesabaran demi dia. Dia selalu bertanya pada saya, "Apakah benar saya akan meninggal pada tahun 2014?". Saya pun menjawab, "itu hanya lelucon orang yang tidak waras saja, orang seperti itu jangan dipercaya, percayalah, hidup dan mati seseorang semua berada di tangan Allah SWT". Tiap seminggu sekali atau 2 minggu sekali, pertanyaan itu selalu muncul. Dan kesabaran saya pun menghilang setiap pertanyaan itu dilontarkan.

Berdo'a pun sudah saya lakukan, pemikiran positif pun sudah saya terapkan pada diri saya. Saya pun yakin dalam setahun dia pasti sembuh. Seratus persen sembuh total. 

Minggu ini, merupakan minggu saya ujian tengah semester. Semuanya terlihat normal seperti biasanya. Bahkan yang mengantar dia ke RS pun juga tak berkata-kata apa-apa pada saya. Dan ternyata, ada seseorang yang saya percayai terceplos dari mulutnya. "Dokter bilang tadi, periode umur hidupnya berkisar antar 0 sampai dengan 1 tahun". Entah mengapa, waktu terasa terhenti pada saat kata-kata tersebut di lontarkan. Antara percaya dan tidak percaya, kenapa orang yang mengantar dia tak berkata apa-apa? Kenapa? Setiap saya ujian, selalu saja ada berita yang saya tidak sukai dan kenapa tidak ada yang ingin memberti tahu saya. Itupun diberi tahu karena orang tersebut keceplosan. Entah kenapa saya merasa seperti terasingkan. 

Namun, hal tersebut tidaklah terlalu saya pikirkan. Yang ada di benak saya ini, saat ini adalah, meyakini diri saya sendiri bahwa Allah akan memberikan mukzizatnya. Dokter hanyalah sebuah dokter, dia hanya memprediksi, dan prediksiannya tersebut akan meleset. Berbeda dengan mahasiswa itu yang dengan lantangnya meyakini pada tahun kematiannya. Walaupun dengan secara kebetulan, sesuai dengan prediksi dokter. Tapi tetap, saya yakin, Allah pasti memberikan mukzizatnya. Saya tidak akan kalah pada kekuatan prediksi itu. Saya harus buktikan pada dia bahwa lelucon mahasiswa itu salah, walaupun sampai saat ini dia belum diberi tahu mengenai periode umur hidupnya.