Strong Heart

One day, I realized something, a junior of mine reminded me that I should start selling my heart. Not literally, but it means that I should start finding someone and catch that person. Because if I don't, I would be stuck like this forever. That was what I'd catch from his conversation. 

I started to have a flashback view of my life. His words are true. I began thinking of all those people that were trying to reach my heart, but how mean of me, I acted as if I didn't know how they were towards me, and simply pretended not to understand the situation, in another word, ignoring them. One by one, they stopped their attempt to reach me. 

Why did I do that? Comfort had always been my basic reason, or should I call it as a cliche to defend myself from a counterattack? If that was a cliche, then what was my reason?

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They say within time, people became mature on how to deal things. A beginner who just had its first heart broken situation, wouldn't accept the situation that the relationship is over and the majority of them would blame on each other individuals. But as time flows, with the support of the surroundings, individuals would forget of the problem and start to ignore those feelings and move on. 

So how mature did I become?

It wouldn't be fair, if I judge myself. However, it is in a situation where I could sometimes forget of the problems of the past, but when I remembered it, I realized that it is faith. And also, I am sincere of letting the past pass by. I don't really want to stick to the past, because I think the present and the future are much more rational to live my life. 

Yes, I am like that, however, past, present, and future. Those three things are always correlated. The past of mine, builds my character in the present, and directing my way of the future. 

My present? Ignoring those people who tries to reach me. Why? I couldn't figure it out myself. It's like empty, I couldn't feel anything or more like I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to be another burden of another stranger. I am scared. Scared to fall again. I over protect myself. Scared that I couldn't  lift myself up when I fall again. Scared of the pain that has been chasing me since the past. I'm trapped. Even in the moment I write this, I could still feel the pain. However, it's not the pain of the past only but also the pain of the present. 

A need of someone that I could lean to. Someone that I could share my problems with. Someone that I could hold on and trust. But I think there won't be anyone like that. Everyday, I cried out all the burdens inside me. It's like, it's never ending. And no one would understand. I know I'm not a beautiful person or even a nice person to talk with sometimes I think that people thinks of me just another nerd passing by although I'm not. I'm aware of myself. You can think of me as a conservative girl. I'm already used to that. 

So this will build my future,  being aware of how myself are, will make me to keep distance with everyone. I know how boring I am, I am aware of that. I know, I can't make another person happy so why should I be so egoistic of wanting someone to share my burden. Here I am, living a life that looks happy but actually breaking inside. However, I am very grateful to God that still gave me the chance to live every day. I am sincere living this kind of life. With the burdens carried in me, I will try to be happy as I can be. It will be alright. I know it will. I will have to endure it. I will have to force myself to be strongest person ever. I must not only I will. I can do it on my own. For it has to go numb, then it shall be.