You

That moment, when you turn away,
I had to grab you.
I had to hold you.
I had to touch you.

I know that you won't dislike it,
I know that your heart craves for it
I know that you won't resist it
I know that we want it.

The gaze of your eyes,
made me reaching out for you.
The looks of your expression,
made my eyes unable to blink.
The softness of your lips,
made me want you more.

I just had to have you,
I just had to need you,
Everything of you,
I want it.

That moment when you turn away,
I just had to stop it.
I can't resist it.
I can't let that chance slip.

The best chance for my life.

Selfish Human Being

God, I wonder if I'm being too selfish with You.
I kept demanding a lot of things from You, but yet I can't give back anything in return.
One by one, You answered my prayers, and yet I kept asking for more.
Sometimes, I would forget You, sometimes, I am not grateful to You.
I am truly sorry God.

My heart kept asking things to make myself happy.
My brain kept telling me to ask things that makes me smile.
But however, these conscience of mine feels so selfish whenever I ask Thee. 
Because I constantly kept asking things. 

I tried my best to be with You. 
For if I forgot you, I become completely clueless.
My mind will not be at peace.
I become someone who is too sensitive in everything.

Ya Allah, Ya Rabbi.
Forgive me, please guide me to be a better person than before.
A person, who will always remembers You.
A person with a character that You like.
Make me a grateful person,
Don't let me be astray

Keep on watching over me, ya Allah.
Remind me if I do things that You hate.
Only to You, I ask things. 
Only to Your guidance, I follow.

The Eyes of Life

Those eyes are no longer mesmerizing;
The eyes that were once filled the heart.
Those eyes are now empty;
The eyes that were once captured the attention.

That time, those eyes were shining brightly
But now, it only shows wanders,
Who knows what its wanders are.
No one could notice.

Expression convinced the world.
but the eyes couldn't lie.
No covers could hide it
The eyes that just wanders.

Don't Love Me

Don't love me although I am thankful for it;
I don't want to bring you along to my sorrow
I don't want you to pity me
I don't want you to be burden by me

Don't love me;
Because I know how it feels like to lose someone
I know how it feels like to miss someone until your heart hurts
I know how it feels like being tired of crying but you can't stop
I know how it feels like to keep on hoping when you know it won't happen.

Don't love me;
Because I don't want to fall anymore
I don't want to be hurt anymore
I don't want anymore broken promises
I don't want to feel the same thing again

Don't love me, because I think I can't bear anymore pain.
Because I don't want to expect things that would disappoint me. 
Because I know I would always give you the world. 

Sorry for letting you down

Hey Mama,

Seriously I don't know how to put it in words anymore. For the first time in my life, I blog with a clear obvious subjects. Usually, keeping myself busy would made me forget the things that hurt me. But since the day that you were gone until now, I still could feel how it hurts so much to miss you. I try to talked it out with Papa, but you know him, he's too vulnerable for me to say things about you. In the end, I have to act strong in front of him so that he would stop feeling sad. I try to talk to my first sister, but then on a second thought, it'll hurt her again, because she was about to see you, then you passed away before she sees you. The last option was my second sister. We tried to talk things out to each other. We support each other, we strengthen each other, and we also pretend to each other about how strong we are.We knew that, but then she stated that the toughest one must've been me after you were gone.

I didn't understand her words before, but day by days I began to understand. Throughout my whole life, you were my mom and my best friend. Everything that I do or everywhere I go, you would always be there for me. Every time I was happy, you would always support me. Every time someone pushes me, you would always stand up for me. Every time I was sad, you would always know ways to comfort me. I still remember when you said that I always had to accompany you till the day you died. I know, I was the closest to you. But I didn't realize it will be this fast.

Every time I got sad, I would always make myself busy mom. You know that best. But this time Mom, I failed. Unconsciously, I feel sad and that feeling keeps on getting stronger. Yet Mom, I try to hold it in. When those tears were about to burst, I kept it in. I don't want them to see it. It goes on every day.  Everything that I do, seems so empty Mom. You were always my best listener. 

People said I am not alone, I have a lot of people to care for me. I know that mom, however, even if I'm standing in a happy crowd, somehow I can't seem to lighten up, I know how to pretend like one, but I feel as if I'm in the dark corner, crying out for help, but no one could.

I've become someone that is a fake mom, I'm sorry. I kept on giving motivation to others, giving spirits to other, but I can't even do that to myself. I kept saying that I'm tired of crying which I am, but yet I can't stop Mom. I'm also a fake Mom, I said I didn't need any help, but somehow I do. Remember when you said that sometimes I have to let go of my pride a bit, for the sake of myself. I tried to do that, but I can't mom. I don't even know how to ask for help. Not that I don't want to, but what's the use mom? and to whom? 

I've become someone who is envious of others mom. I envy how people could still happily be together with their moms, being angered by their mom, being brought lunch by their mom, most of all seeing their mom's proudest smile. I'm sorry mom. I am truly sorry. I am still trying to adapt Mom. 

Silently I cried. Loudly I cried. Smashing myself I had. Yet, I still feel all alone. Nothing could help me.  What is wrong with me Mom? What do I have to do? I prayed for you. I dreamed about you. But it's still not good enough.

I feel like loneliness is following me Mom. I try to cheer up, but then that feeling comes again. There's no day without those feeling. And the only thing I could do is talking with you on my mind, but then I feel more sad. Tears were about to burst, but I had to hold it in. Everyday.

Think

Leaving?
Oh you may.
Why the stare?
I won't beg you to stay.

You seem confused.
Still being indecisive? 
I won't tell you the answer.
You decide alone.

Regret your decision?
Oh, I'm truly sorry.
But I won't stand in your way.
I will be gone. 

Trust?
It's long gone since that decision.
Your words are nothing but lies.
Lies that are made because of situation. 

Me vulnerable?
Go think what you want.
But I'm not letting you to help me.
For I don't need your act, but sincerity.

Silence is better, than to judge you. 
Kindness was given, yet a stab was received.
Keep on running and searching for your answers,
keep on hiding, but you just can't escape it. 

For memories are haunting. 
In regrets, you'll remain.
When the search starts,
nowhere you will find. 

The best of the best was taken for granted.

 

Unfinished Thoughts

Shouting, running, or crying till my heart's content would not change anything. Useless.
The more I want to forget, the more I remembered. I went deeper in my thoughts.
Trying to fly high, but I always fall. I am useless.
Grasping every power, till the last of what I had, is what everyone tells me to do. 

Smiling to maintain the moment, the heart shredded to pain. 
Pretending to be strong, but knowing the weakness inside.
Nights and days became so long.
Everything becomes dull.

Music without its soul.
Poetry without its wisdom.
Science without its acknowledge. 
Life without its spirit. 

Here I am, without you, has lost everything. 
Feelings have become numb.
I am clueless and lost.

Desperately needed someone to comfort me, but here I am.
In the position where everyone tells me to be patience;
to be tough; to be strong; to be something I have to try hard.
At least, one long cry would be nice. Aah, but I'm not allowed, am I?

Here I am, waiting for someone that you said will be there for me.
But I've become hopeless since you're gone.
They all left, no one stayed. The ones that I'd showed that I care.
Including you, but you didn't leave me. You were forced to leave, different than them.
But it still hurts, everyone left me, but they left with leaving behind pain for me.

Aah yes, I'm too kind for accepting those pain that is why they deliberately do that. 
Aah yes, they want me to be strong.
Aah yes, they said I'm independent.
Those reasons. Those weakness are mine.

What if, I don't want to be strong. 
What if, I don't want to be independent.
What if, I don't want to be hurt.
What if, I need a shoulder to cry on and a helping hand?

I want to share all the thoughts in my mind, but I can't.
I want to share all these burdens, but I can't.
Who would want to be shared of those things?
They'll just leave you again like before.
So selfish of me, never consider others. 

Ignorant and passive, someone said to me.
"You're ignorant and passive, that's why everyone left you."
Painful to hear, but one person knows I'm not, that is you.
However you were forced to leave me, for your happiness.
I'm happy for that, because I know this world only hurts you more.

But, I just miss you. And the one that understands me the most is you, my beautiful mother.
Now, I am forever alone here. I'm crying out for help from this loneliness but no one seems to care. ................................